I promised in my initial post that I would always be raw and honest about my struggles, successes and emotions. So here it is. This post will be nothing but the truth.
I have honestly lost myself in motherhood.
Putting these thoughts out there into the world is absolutely huge for me. It’s something I didn’t even discuss in depth with Brett until I came home from a night out full of confidence boosting wine (and maybe some Vodka). Don’t get me wrong, I adore Lola and I love being a Mum but I do feel like the other Non-Mum parts of myself have completely disappeared. These parts of me have been replaced with strict routine, loneliness and dirty nappies. Oh, so many dirty nappies.
I noticed when sitting down (child-free) and discussing this with friends and family, that I wasn’t alone in the way that I was feeling. The adjustment that is motherhood is a beautiful, messy, fun and sometimes just downright tiring experience. We go from having only ourselves to look after and being somewhat selfish, to having a baby completely dependent on us.
Not too long before falling pregnant with Lola, I lived in a big city, had a great job, earnt my own money, socialised with adults every single day, ate when I wanted to eat and would always finish my coffee before it went cold. Then, in an instant, my identity as it was before was gone. Motherhood is consuming, I haven’t yet gone back to work outside of my home, I feel self-indulgent if I go out to do something for myself and even though I have so many other great Mums around me, that loneliness is still there. Maybe it’s the lack of adult conversation on a daily basis (the kind where kids aren’t the subject), the feeling of being so ingrained into a routine or the fact that I’m not in a career that I love anymore. I’m not sure, but it’s tough. Tougher than I thought it would be.
I know this is a double-edged sword, many Mum’s would love to be able to stay at home with their babies so I do feel totally blessed in that way but at the same time, in giving my all to a teeny tiny human, I rarely give to myself. Which is important, Mum or not. I’m a huge believer in that taking care of yourself will go a long way in the way you take care of your children and your family. However, when you lose yourself, you stop making yourself one of your priorities.
There will be people that will tell you to embrace it, “you’re a Mum now, don’t worry about all those other things,” but should we? Should we just accept that, if we feel like this? Should we just accept feeling lost and without our identity? Or do we evolve instead of just embracing that feeling of loss for our former selves?
I’m going to try to evolve. I will try my hardest and if I fail I will try again.
I don’t have to know who I am to be a good Mum or to love my babe, but I’m sure that it would improve a lot of the relationships in my life.
It’s time to work out who this new Mum-Me is going to be.